If You Want To Title This "Untitled"

i do not know if you still read the things i say here.. and i have thought of closing down this place.. but then again.. i've got nowhere else to tell all these things to..

i just read your blog post earlier.. and i have no idea who it is in reference to.. but having to see that face of yours crying.. captured in that moment.. it tore me down.. i am devastated.. even now.. i wish there was something i can do.. i wish there was something i can say.. but i know.. no matter how much i did.. and no matter how much i said it.. it will not mean anything.. at least for now.. or that is what i choose to believe..

i broke down.. i wanted to hold you close so much.. that i hugged the pillow you left here.. i hugged it so hard.. and whispered to it "it'll all be ok, i'm here".. i whispered it so many times.. hoping that it'll get to you.. hoping you'd hear it.. but i know.. that's just a silly thought..

i've done wrong.. who hasn't.. and to truly know what i've done.. i had to hear it from you.. and again.. i thank you.. for still believing in me.. i now know.. you know who i am deep inside.. and its just that in the recent months.. stress, stupidity, childishness.. has lead me to where i am today.. it'll take time for me to repair myself.. and i know.. it'll take even more time for you to do the same.. i'm just hoping that it's not too late..

i have been keeping myself busy.. doing so many things.. buying so many things.. just to keep myself occupied.. but whenever i stopped.. i always wondered.. what would you say to me if you were right next to me now.. "save money, it's useless", "you already have one, you don't need another".. and so many more.. and i know.. that with every ounce of your body.. you cared..

i am trying.. i am trying very hard to bring myself back to who i am.. back to a state where i can knock on your door and tell you i'm back.. to tell you i'm sorry.. to tell you that i've remembered the things i should.. and i've forgotten the things i should.. that i would make it up to you.. that i would prove to you.. that you were never wrong about me.. even til today.. because i have seen and heard from your good self.. that you still believe in me..

and like i've told you before.. this time.. the next time i come to you and speak to you.. i'll be myself.. there's no more bullshit.. and i will try.. and i'll try to tell you.. that everything will be ok now.. that it is safe to trust in me again.. that it is safe to feel safe with me again..

once again.. i'm sorry.. and thank you.. for being you..